There are some things in the running/exercise world that are
so predictable and obvious, like;
The fact that running is generally hard, that every race
needs to start AFTER a necessary bowel movement, injury is inevitable, running tights for men
should be worn with shorts, and ‘going out with the kenyans’ is the beginning
of a VERY difficult marathon.
But there are other events and fortunes that can ONLY be foretold
with a simple gift to read cosmic signs…THAT, or an arrogant personality and willingness
to cold-read for general amusement.
So brace yourself for a deliberately vague and ambiguous glimpse
into your near future (all this without the aid of a DeLorean)!
The mood seems right, the planets are aligned, the incense is burning, I will begin….
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Aries: March 21 – April 19
·
Element: Fire
·
Symbol: Ram
·
Ideal
Shoes:
Bright and the latest in Sporting Technology and style.
Whilst the idea of a ‘sheep’
being a creature happy to blend in with the flock and be generally reluctant to
stand out is pretty widely accepted….the RAM is another matter altogether! (I bet you even get a little kick of joy out
of having that written in CAPs?).
In regards to racing, you’re likely to throw
caution to the wind in order to reach that PB.
You’re meticulous about
your training, and intolerant of pesky walkers that don’t follow the rule of ‘keeping
to the left’.
Having said that you are
generally very attractive, and appreciative of people who remind you of this
(so why not share this blog all of you Aries folk? share it now!).
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
Be sure to take the time
to pair your running socks as you take them off the washing line or out of the
dryer. It may seem like common sense, but it could be the difference between a
comfortable week of training, or another week of your running buddies asking, “What’s
with the odd socks?”
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20
·
Element: Earth
·
Symbol: Bull
· Ideal Shoes: You have your favourites and
resent when they change. For example you LOVE your Asics
Kayanos/Cumulus/Gels/etc and/or Nike Pegs.
Good ol’ reliable Taurunners! Aren't you awesome? So reliable at
turning up at training sessions, and being the ones that your running buddies
can rely upon! Likewise, if one of these buddies is having a tough run, you're the one who'll slow down to help them out.
You'll talk the injured runner pal off the proverbial (and
sometimes literal) ledge by being the voice of reason. If you were a Star Wars
character, you’d be Yoda.
Negatively, you’re pretty stubborn; when you turn up to train,
you like to TRAIN! Super serious. That's you.
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
You may or may not find $5 on a training run. I’d love to be
more specific, but there’s a chance I could beat you to it. Regardless, it’s
all the more reasons to be motivated for at least another 7 days right? (If you do find the cash) Spend
up wisely!
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Gemini: May 21 – June 20
·
Element: Air
·
Symbol: Twins
· Ideal Shoes: You’ll Colour Co-Ordinate
better than almost anyone! Bright is often better for you too.
One of the most likable members of the running fraternity; Prone
to the occasional moody and passionate outburst, you are more often quite quiet
and are as loyal a friend as could be found.
You have a desire to stay one-step-ahead, and you find the idea
of winning quite seducing.
Between you and me, you also look awesome in your running gear.
You’re rocking it!
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
Drinking plenty of water is a great idea for you this week! It’s
an important time in the running season and probably something overlooked by
many.
In terms of the cosmos, it may be a good time to relax, as an unexpected
visitor may visit at some point in the future….is that ambiguous enough? Good!
Now drink some H20 and quit complaining!
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Cancer: June 21 – July 22
·
Element: Water
·
Symbol: Crab
· Ideal Shoes: Safe and sturdy, always
considering comfort and the potential for chafing or injury your running
gear needs to cater to this at all times. Form follows function!
Always the worrier, you’re the nervous runner wondering if you’ve
trained hard enough or if you’ll need that extra gel or not. Your secret fear
is collapsing before the finish, or losing bowel control, or both!
You’d think this anxiety would make running the worst chore in
the world right? Well, no…because in spite of your cautious approach to the
sport, there are aspects of it that you find almost romantic.
On a side note, you’re pretty good at planning the ultimate
running route. Share your gift with the world my crustaceous friend!
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
You could take $100 dollars to the casino, put it on black,
double it, then take your partner/prospective love interest out to dinner!…..but
don’t. The roulette will come up black, and anyway, the planet Mars is in your
orbit this month. This means; you’re much more prone to leaving your fly down
in public than pulling your best Casanova moves. Sorry!
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Leo: July 23 – August 22
·
Element: Fire
·
Symbol: The Lion
· Ideal Shoes: The loudest, brightest,
latest in fashion. Anything to intimidate and make you look like the
champion you are!
Whilst a little insecure about your ability, or training lead up at
times, this is compensated always by a strong sense of pride in your own
achievements, as well as those of family and friends.
Always willing to celebrate the success of others, you are your harshest
critic, if you don’t run the perfect race….well……
On the plus side you very often push yourself to achieve personal
glory!...
…Also, you are a Lion…..they’re pretty awesome; by association you
are too. For more information watch ‘The Ghost in the Darkness’, ‘The Lion King’
and ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’ and bask in the glory.
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
This month, trust your judgement and feed the parking meter. You
will run into an old acquaintance and running partner, which will be a welcome
joy for you both…unfortunately also for the Parking Inspector who is just
waiting to slap a fat ticket on your windscreen.
Or maybe the old friend will BE a Parking Inspector? What a moral quandary that would make?!
Regardless, Beware my friend!
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Virgo: August 23 – September 22 (Tim’s sign)
·
Element: Earth
·
Symbol: The Virgin
· Ideal Shoes: Rotated routinely you know
your regular shoes and can attach a foot-timing-chip better than most.
Meticulous about your data, personal bests, and running routes
you are the last person to get lost in a race. Every beep of Garmin/GPS data is
like reliving Christmas morning over and over again.
You are honest and for that universally loved, also the last
person to cut a corner or finish a run early. You should also wear that
headband you’ve been thinking about wearing; it looks great!
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
The sheer fact that I can tell that you are reading this with
scepticism should be reason enough to start trusting my powers more. Even
more-so the confident way that I refer to my powers without any inverted commas
around the word ‘powers’…er….dammit!
You may need to comfort a man in overalls this week. Be kind, he’s
been through a lot.
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Libra: September 23 – October 22
·
Element: Air
·
Symbol: The Scales
· Ideal Shoes: Your gear needs to reflect your
personality. You have your favourite colours and when you see you
favourite it’s almost enough to seduce you into buying them above all!
The Emotional runner….thankfully not in the annoying
candle-lighting, depressed and complaining teenager kind of way, but in the way that gives your heart a flutter when the starting gun goes, or when you catch a glimpse of the perfect sunrise on that morning run!
You are in tune with your body and are very conscious of each
sensation of pain, fatigue, and (thankfully) euphoria! Nothing feels better
than crossing that finishing line and celebrating with your family and friends!
Very often you are the voice of reason in training circles, the
one who can suggest a novel routine, without overdoing it. You expect the best
from others, without judging if they don’t deliver.
Well done you…..even if you can be a little too-trusting at
times.
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
A welcome compliment from a work-mate will bring you some much
needed satisfaction.
But what if he/she is being sarcastic?! You’ll spend the
next 40 minutes wondering this, at which point you’ll notice you've have toilet paper
stuck to your pants the whole time..
Go for a run, it’ll make you feel better.
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Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
·
Element: Water
·
Symbol: The Scorpion
· Ideal Shoes: If it fits well and laces up
it will suit you perfectly.
Competitive in the extreme, you would probably consider
limb-amputation if told it would give you an advantage. With this in mind, you
are tough.
Of course this also means that you can be susceptible to
overtraining and injury! You know that scene in ‘Die Hard’ where John McClain
walks barefoot over broken glass? That’s a regular training session for you, particularly when any form
of competition is present.
You’re brutally honest with yourself and others, which some will
respect…..the others…….not so much.
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
On a training run one of your buddies will inadvertently step in
dog poo….with this knowledge in your hand you now have an important decision, do
you keep the secret and prepare to laugh? Or do you help them out, knowing if the roles were reversed they’d
do the same? \
With this in mind, and as a side-note, choose your car pooling pals wisely this week.
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Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
·
Element: Fire
·
Symbol: The Archer
· Ideal Shoes: Loyal to your shoes, you
still require enough style in them to turn heads.
You are an archer that is quick to fire off a thousand arrows in a moment of frustration, although, for
the majority of the time you are open to all and happy to enjoy life!
If a
friend suggests a training run, you’ll jump at the chance, whether he/she is an
Olympic champion, or someone ‘fresh from the couch’.
You are a social butterfly and live your life to please others and
impress all, however you can be ticked off early and when you fly off the
handle most New Year’s Eve fireworks displays wouldn’t distract attention away
from you!
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
If you’ve been thinking about fabricating an entire article in the
style of a ‘newspaper horoscope article’ for the amusement of your friends then
this is the week to do it!
If not, then at least the weather will be great
for a couple of training runs at least!
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Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
·
Element: Earth
·
Symbol: The Goat
· Ideal Shoes: What shoes do the pros wear?
Any advancement that will have you on the top of the podium is worth ANY
investment!
Stubborn almost to a fault you will dig your hooves in with any
situation you believe you are right.
Because of this you aren’t known for your
flexibility. Prone to over prepare, you will efficiently pack your race-bag and
arrive with plenty of time for every race.
You are very goal-orientated, and will set sights on
achievements, pbs and podiums, which can be a double edged sword at times.
Luckily you have a wicked sense of humour and can laugh off most adversity with
a self deprecating smile.
Your drive can make you prone to overtraining; however, on the bright side, no-one
will ever accuse you of being lazy.
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
Shut your bedroom blinds/curtains; your neighbours have been watching you
getting changed for the last six months.
You’re welcome.
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Aquarius: January 20 – February 18 (Adam’s sign)
·
Element: Air
·
Symbol: The Water Bearer
· Ideal Shoes: Sensible colours and style,
although you can occasionally branch out with a new model occasionally.
The race course wasn’t correctly measured? Not enough drink
stations? You will be the most vocal opponent to any miscarriage of justice.
Luckily this independence allows you to be your own best training coach.
You are incredibly loyal to friends and family and will defend
them to the bitter end. You are also curious and willing to undertake any task
or adventure that is foreign to you.
You’ve signed up for Tough Mudder haven’t you? If not, you
probably will next year….just a warning; the path for you is full of cargo nets, high-fives and ridiculous headwear.
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
At one point this week you will consider getting that PB time
tattooed to immortalise that momentous occasion…
...DON'T! Because, before the year is out
you’ll beat that time, and it’ll be expensive to fix. Might I recommend a
tattoo with a little more longevity; like a portrait of Rick Astley, your first girlfriend/boyfriend's name, or the
lyrics to a Top 40 song?
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Pisces: February 19 – March 20
·
Element: Water
·
Symbol: The Fish
· Ideal Shoes: The shoes that feel right…you
are very particular about the movement of the shoe from the sole up and
you know what works.
The shy recluse you will happily
don your sensibly coloured trainers and double knot your laces for every race.
The mere idea of a bright pair of Vibram ‘toe shoes’ would almost make you
dry-wretch. …but don’t worry, you’re not alone there.
Your ability to push yourself very
often means that you are capable of
quite amazing things. If anyone will finish that marathon, congratulations….it’s
you.
Sadly, you can be occasionally
moody and disorganised….but with that finisher’s medal around your neck you
strike a pretty impressive pose!
THIS WEEKS HOROSCOPE:
Remember Dougie Howser M.D.?! Hasn’t
Neil Patrick Harris done well for himself? Gosh he’s talented and so darn
likeable. There really should be more films and television shows with him in
them. Did you know he’s a Gemini?
This week something bad will
happen to you…at some point. Try to think of Neil Patrick Harris and I promise
it will feel better.
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So there you have it, YOUR horoscopes predicted!
So enjoy that, and for those of you too
sceptical to believe, why not train hard, be nice, stay honest and make your
future the best it can be?!
Keep running!
Clay Dawson
Intraining Sponsored Athlete and Mystical Conjuring Clairvoyant
* Private readings are available for anyone with money and a willingness to give it away without consultation with previous customers or ombudsman.
Regardless, there is that rare occasion on a training run
or, if you are especially lucky, in a race when everything goes so much to plan
that you finish your race, sore and tired (because we’re stubborn, sadists who
crave punishment remember?” ) but your soul and spirit are soaring and you find
yourself high-fiving strangers! What a glorious feeling!!!!
I’ve had an awful amount of bad luck with this festival in
the past, over the 10km (twice finishing outside of the podium, in
disappointing times, in heat and with tears), then last year in the half
marathon (where I finished a very humbled 4th behind some quality
runners) and with Gold Coast still fresh in my memory I consciously made a
concerted effort to relax and not let my imagination get the better of me. I was
going to run purely for fun….nothing else.
I can honestly say, I
would have been on cloud nine to see ANY of them on the top of the podium and
it was really cool to run and share a journey with pals.
