A great running shoe? Or just a Number One or Two?

Yes, that’s right; I’ve used potty humour and we haven’t even launched into the review of the 0mm drop offering from the relatively new brand in minimal shoes, Altra’s ‘The One’. See what I did there?

“You're the one that I want, Oo-oo-oo, honey, The one that I want” (Olivia Newton-John)

Ever since Saucony stopped producing its ‘Hattori’ minimal shoes late last year I have ardently been on a quest to find a new ‘everyday trainer’ with a little more protection (honestly, it’s nice to have some cushioning sometimes). Months later, I finally settled on trying the relatively new offering from the relatively unknown brand; Altra.

The shoes had the promise of everything I was looking for; they’re light, they’ve a nice wide toe box (to prevent blistering when the wearers toes naturally splay outward on foot contact), slightly structured construction, without compromising its minimal nature, and they’re gawdy and brightly coloured that they practically scream “Look at these super rad shoes! Cowabunga!!!!*”

(*or something thereabouts).

I also figured, with the market flooded with already established companies, who in the last decade have chosen to push the boundaries of shoemaking in practically every direction, for a new shoe to be making such a presence on the market, they would need to be bringing an ‘A Game’!

“One step ahead of you, Stay in motion, keep an open mind, Love is a race won by two, Your emotion, my solitude…” Split Enz

I’ll be completely honest, my first experience test-wearing ‘The One’ was unusual. Not in the fact that I was
allowed to jog/run in them outside the store (a nice bonus from buying your shoes from a reputable dealer and not the ‘faceless Interwebs’) but moreso in the shoe performance themselves.

Firstly, I was expecting to notice the 100gms of extra weight in each shoe (from my previous Sauconys),

however they felt just as light. For most other runners or for a runner transitioning into minimal shoes these will likely feel like feathers (Kayano wearers will feel like they’ve been in a tree lopping accident and have lost the bottom ¼ of each leg).

Secondly, the extra room in the toe-box (of which I spoke) feels large enough to fit a Circ-De-Soilel performance! It would definitely take some getting used to, but overall the sensation was pleasant.

Finally without predetermined grooves into the soul of the shoe the foot was left to flex naturally. This is a feature in the design of Altra, which boasts of each model of shoe being biometrically engineered to suit males or females.  Even better, they had a ‘male’ pair in my size! Top work!

“So get out, get out, get out of my head, And fall into my arms instead. I don't, I don't, don't know what it is, But I need that one thing, And you've got that one thing” One Direction

So I walked out of the store with an arm full of Altra-box and a heart full of anticipation! I can’t remember for sure, but there may have been a twinkle in my eye and a heel click or two.

The first time I took the Altra’s out was on a 21km training run ‘baptism of fire’, from which they stepped up rather well. Whilst not pushing them through ridiculous hills, terrain or speed they worked as-per-the design and my praise of them was glowing.

A few co-runners even commented on the colour!

All in all, in spite of some of the logo-print-stickering on the side of the shoes peeling (before a week was out) it was a fairly successful debut.

“Because you’re not the one but you’re the only one, Who can make me feel like this, You’re not the one but you’re the only one, Who can make me feel like sh*t” The Foo Fighters

Things continued in this manner and my relationship with the shoes blossomed…until another slow training run later something remarkable started to happen.

I will preface this by letting you know that I was most certainly the catalyst for this, by making the ‘rookie mistake’ of having socks that were too short, but I soon received a rather nasty rubbing blister along the back of the shoe.

“Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One, Oh God,help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death, Oh Please God Help Me” Metallica

Things were so bad that pretty soon, the neat fluorescent green inner lining was stained blood red, and I was left hobbling sore and aimlessly like a pensioner after walking into a glass door.

Although it was entirely my undoing, but the shoes certainly were unforgiving in their merciless punishment (around the 16km mark).

Otherwise, the shoes tread remained as thick as new and the ride was still silky and unchanged (100km’s in).

“One night with you, Is what Im now praying for, The things that we two could plan, Would make my dreams come true” Elvis Presley

It was fast becoming apparent that a new partnership for the ages could’ve been forming! Whilst I wouldn’t consider racing over ANY distance in these shoes (I’m a racing-flats man and little would ever change that) I do concede that for many keen runners these may be the answer for most races and distances, even a consideration on forgiving trail runs!

I found the freedom of the open fitting liberating, and whilst the flex was limited in the shoes it made them perfect for runs where a slow and controlled stride was preferred.

In terms of analogy at this point (for me) they were my Combi van; PERFECT for weekend holidays to the beach, but I would never enter a Formula One race in them.

“You say; One love, One life, When it's one need, In the night. It's one love, We get to share it, It leaves you baby, If you don't care for it” U2

The only REAL problem with these shoes comes for me now.

Whilst coming off a marathon and running slowly, rarely and purely for the joy of socialising and floating these shoes filled a much needed hole amongst a wardrobe literally FULL of minimal, flexible and ‘barely there’ racing shoes.

They allowed me to run, recover from injury (when I had the good sense to wear decent socks) and kept me safe and smiling.

But then I started to become stronger, fitter and faster.

“One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do, Two can be as bad as one, It's the loneliest number since the number one.” Three Dog Night

Suddenly the Combi began to become dusty, in favour of the Ferraris I preferred to take out the garage, and the Altra’s began to feel more like gumboots.

“1, here comes the 2 to the 3 to the 4, Everybody drunk out on the dance floor, Babygirl ass jiggle like she want more,Like she a groupie and I aint even on tour.” J-Kwon

But that’s the nature of our sport right? There will always been a need for those shoes in our wardrobe that make us feel like ‘The Flash’.

But we can’t run every run like that. There has to be a time, and a shoe, for those runs that are slower…otherwise it’s probably best you update your health insurance.

So in short, the Altra’s have so many great features:

PROS:

- The Option of a Ninja Turtle Green colouring

- The freedom of an open Toe-box

- A smooth uninterrupted ride from heel to forefoot if required, whilst promoting mid foot striking

- Lightweight, yet still comforting and well structured.

CONS:

- Ridiculously long laces (are we expecting to break out of prison Altra?!)

- Can feel cumbersome at times (at the cost of structure is this really a con?)

Summation:

Say what you will about these shoes, but like a good remix or Ipod Playlist, the Altra ‘One’ takes elements

from the minimalist camp, as well as the traditional structured trainer to create a pleasantly happy medium.

Whilst they won’t collectively blow the mind of everyone in the community, they will garner a heap of praise, make some lifelong friends, turn some heads, strip some heels, and share some awesome running journeys.

My advice, give them a try – take them for a spin! They might complement your shoe collection well…

…Probably better than those acid-wash cutoffs in fact!

3 ½ / 5 Stars


Clay Dawson
InTraining Sponsored Athlete 2013

The Definitive Guide to Running a Marathon!

For those of you reading this as an instructional manual or ‘Definitive guide’ to helping you achieve the goal of ‘running a marathon’, you’re reading the wrong blog…..

...I don’t know how you would have gotten that idea?

Really, this is a blog about cupcake recipes.

Ok, It’s actually not that either. What this actually is, is a personal account of all of the advice I was given before my debut marathon in Sydney 2013, including the advice I followed, as well as everything I nodded my head at…..but ignored……….and whether any of this worked!

I cannot guarantee that any of the advice listed below is adaptable to anyone, anytime, ever.…so please seek advice outside of this blog before starting your journey.

ADVICE ONE: “Do not go out too hard! The race BEGINS at 30km!”

Every runner, or anyone who has ever heard about ‘the marathon’ will be familiar with the concept of ‘the wall’; basically the moment around 30km where a runner will reach a simultaneous crescendo of pain, complete depletion of motivation and catastrophic tantrum of emotion. This can result in one of two things;

   a)      mental tenacity, pushing through and finishing complete with slow motion high-fives and fist pumps, or

   b)      An immediate race-retirement on the footpath/gutter with a salt laden forehead and an inability to control ones bowels.

The most logical causes for an athlete hitting ‘the wall’ is simply that they have not prepared adequately, have fuelled inefficiently, or that they have run the first 30kms of the race far too fast!

With this in mind the #1 piece of advice I was given by practically EVERYONE, is to run the first half of the race (at least) CONSERVATIVELY!

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

Short answer….no.

Long answer….no with a ‘but’. You see in this particular Marathon a large portion of the first half of the race included lengthy sections of steady downhill running, to the point that if I had slowed to my ‘race pace’ I would have been using more energy braking than I actually used focusing on ‘comfortably floating’ down the hills.

With that in mind I certainly didn’t run a PB over the shorter distances, and I was very, very aware of maintaining a pace I felt I could manage (with a small blowout later) without ruining my race goal.

Luckily, I didn’t blow out in the later portions, AND I’d added a couple of ‘minutes in the bank’ in the process.

Yay me….sorry advisors!

 ADVICE TWO: “Be sure to eat PLENTY of pasta before the Race! CARB LOAD man!!!”

It’s one of the simple joys of the sport, and for some of us the very reason why we got into the sport in the first place! Of course I’m talking about the guilt free consumption of mass quantities of Spaghetti and Carbonara before a big race!

But the thing is….does it matter? Obviously before a workout of 60minutes or longer your body will deplete itself of glycogen stores…which isn’t good….so using your lead-up to carbo-load is a handy idea. However you need to be careful of quantities and the manner in which you do this.

It’s complicated. I’ll blog about it later.

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

Short answer….kind of.

During my training in the lead up to the race I had read a million blogs and race recounts on line, where countless runners found themselves in the eighth layer of hell at the 32km mark and attributed this solely to a lack of quality lasagne in the lead up stages. I was quite concerned.

So the day before the race I found myself on a dedicated quest to locate a decent red-pasta dish for lunch.  After arriving a little late to the city centre this casual mission began turning into a frantic search for ANY inner city establishment willing to sell pasta in the awkward serving lull between lunch and dinner.

Finally I settled for a food court bain-marie container of a soggy mixture of doughy substance that (perhaps a few hours ago) was at least gluten based. I would have urban-spooned the establishment, but for the fact that there are no options to rate in the ‘less than Zero stars’, as well as the fact that I’d be embarrassed to have my name associated with the place at all! It was not pretty.

When I met up with my other QLD runners and my coach Matt for dinner a few hours later I was very surprised to see none of them opting for deliberate carb loading! In fact, the advice they gave me, and the best advice I’d had in a while on the topic of nutrition was ‘Eat whatever will not upset your stomach, and is as little processed food as possible’. 

We had a grilled chicken burger with a small side order of fries from a pub-like establishment.  Very fresh, very neatly presented, affordable, and delicious.

It worked perfectly, we all slept well, and come race day we all felt great too!

ADVICE THREE: “Taper down in the week prior (No more than 75% of your kms!)”

It makes sense that a runner about to attempt the self-inflicted abuse of a marathon should enter such an endeavour with healthy and well rested muscles. It’s also a no-brainer that he/she should also try to avoid the risk of injury by doing something as stupid as running ‘Heartbreak Hill Repeats with Burpee intervals and a 16minute plank’ the day before the race.

But the cruel irony is that in the lead up to the race, with training going to plan the body will slowly be renovated from a clapped out Datsun 180Y to one of those ridiculous ‘Fast and the Furious’ cars with the novelty oversized engines and flames that shoot out the exhaust. With this transformation runs become easier, confidence improves, you begin to feel great, and you feel the pull to lace-up and scorch the sidewalks growing deafeningly louder!

Add to that, the fact that the majority of runners never feel truly prepared for a race, and the temptation to squeeze in a few extra km’s to ‘condition the legs’ is another annoying concern.

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

I’m delighted to say, with my coach Matt knowing my penchant for doing the EXACT OPPOSITE to what I should be doing during most training cycles; he beat me to the punch by planning a very strict plan for every day leading to the start and threatening physical violence if I didn’t abide (In a very 'Soviet style' of athlete management).

And for the first time in my life, I followed the training plan religiously. To the amusement of my friends and utter disdain of my wife I spent every waking moment with the training plan in one hand constantly glimpsing at my watch, not wanting to miss a second or single step, obsessively not wanting to do too little, or too much.  

ADVICE FOUR: Make sure you have run at least 32km prior to race day!

It is a common rule of thumb that runners need to run at least 75% of the race distance prior to the actual race day. It is so widely accepted that when I told running buddies that my goal time was 2hrs 35min and that my longest run so far was 27km they seriously told me I was being a bit overly ambitious.

“You’ll know it around the 30km mark!” they warned.

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

Unfortunately for Matt and I, we only really had 3 weeks to prepare for the marathon, with one of those being a taper, not a lot of time to ramp up the km’s suddenly!

Luckily, my training was already sitting comfortably at 7 sessions a week, averaging 16kms each. With some subtle manipulation I was able to subtly push the kms to 21km per day, including longer recoveries after speed sessions and hill repeats.

So whilst my ‘long run’ never got further than 27kms, it was preceded by 21kms the day before, and the day after, etc.

Do you need to run 32km prior to a marathon?....In my (completely untrained and with no medical backing) opinion…no. You need to be fit, you need to be healthy and you need to be Cardio-solid.

ADVICE FIVE: Practice with Gels! Make sure you’re confident so you can fuel on course!

It absolutely makes sense to not introduce new food, shoes or any change to routine on race day. The idea of running past the 10km marker of a 42km race with blisters, cramping and choking back vomit is the stuff of nightmares, especially after months of dedicated training.

I do remember my first half marathon in Victoria Canada. I was completely new to the sport and was attempting the run in the most social of senses, however I was advised by friends to take some Coffee Gels to help me out along the way.

Long story short, with a few minutes to race start a group of us tore the tops off our gels and pushed the gooey, mess into our mouths. It was disgusting, and the taste was overpowering and I found it hard to swallow between breaths. Immediately my hands were sticky and I felt terrible. This sensation lasted for the first 5kms of the run before I managed to wash enough of the residue away at a water station.

However, in spite of how utterly counterproductive my first experience with gels was, in that VERY SAME RACE, as I rounded the 15km mark I was handed an Orange Gel at a drinks station. With the words of my friends at the start still in my ear I grabbed it, and promised myself that when things ‘got real’, I would have it on hand.

As it turns out, I didn’t use it.

Things did indeed ‘get real’; however I pushed on, and survived. After crossing the line I threw the unopened and squished gel packet into a bin.

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

fool me once…fool me twice…..

Thankfully this time around I had the experience of a well-established and proven race diet and I was confident that enough opportunities to consume water and electrolytes would be made available on course.

So I didn’t prepare my own. I took sips from every drink station, and when Matt yelled at me to grab a gel at the 27km Hydration table I did. I even tore the top off the chocolate pack and took a sip of it.

But as I ran again, I realised that that day…I didn’t need it. I tossed the remainder of the gel pack into a bin on course and I continued my routine of hitting the water stations and sipping what was on offer instead.

 ADVICE SIX: ‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’.

Goes without saying.

ADVICE SEVEN: Use bandaids and Anti-chafe creams…..liberally.

A friend once told me with a wry smile, of his running team, called ‘The Red Elevens’.

When I queried him why this was such an amusing name he simply asked;

“You haven’t run a marathon before have you?” and pointed at his nipples, drawing two imaginary ones downward.

Ouch!

The marathon is especially taxing on muscles and joints, and at times emotional barriers, however a much neglected aspect of the event is the constant rubbing of wet fabric on sensitive skin and the inevitable friction based consequences of this.

Chaffing. It sucks.

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

I religiously use ‘Body Glide’…a anti-friction balm prior to the race after a couple of ‘close calls’ during training in the especially hot and humid Queensland heat.  This marathon prep was no different, to the point that I put the ‘Body Glide’ balm into my shoes to avoid missing putting it on race morning.

I rubbed it on my under-arms, on my nipples and everywhere, to the point that it felt like I was wearing a wet-suit made of the stuff!  I put it EVERYWHERE…..

….or so I thought.

Without going into too much details, I did neglect to recognise the fact that the true nature of running means that the upper thighs of each athlete inevitably come into contact with every step.

I spent the next two days walking with gritted teeth, like a cautious child on tiptoe through a park full of Bindi’s. 

Tears shed.

Lesson learnt.

ADVICE EIGHT: A slice of toast and a banana for breakfast on race morning.

The one constant in the folk-lore of Marathon race-day diet seems to always contain either a slice of toast, or a banana…often both.

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

My regular routine is to consume a banana, choc-chip muffin and Gatorade before every race (from 5km to 50km). It agrees with me, and doesn’t seem to surprise many.

Plus it works.

ADVICE NINE: Take some time to visualize the race. Get in the zone!

A lot of professional athletes have spoken of the power of positive affirmations, mantras, and taking time to ‘get in the zone’ prior to an event.

It’s an interesting process, and probably really hard to analyse the benefits of. Also to the outsider it very much seems a bit weird and left-of-left-of-center.  

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

This is something I try to do as often as possible.

I’ve always had to excuse myself from friends, or sneak away often at given times prior to races in order to avoid ridicule when I ‘get a bit spiritual’ before a race.

I’m certainly not contacting the dead former Olympic champions as a psychic medium, or burning candles or ritualistically sacrificing animals….but I do try to take 5 minutes to zone-out from the real world and visualise the race and the feeling of being ‘in the race’.

But is seems to calm me and focus my energy on the things I have to do, and NOT the things that could go wrong.

Luckily for me, my room-mate and team-mate Mathew suggested taking 5 minutes on race morning. It seems he does the same thing...and he’s fast. You do the math.

ADVICE TEN: Enjoy yourself!

It seems quite laughably ridiculous to suggest to someone that they should ‘enjoy’ torturing themselves by

running 42kms at a given point for nothing other than ‘fun’.

But it seems like a pre-requisite for marathoning. Otherwise, who would do it?

DID I FOLLOW THE ADVICE?

I was initially quite nervous before the run; I always seem to put pressure on myself to the point that it is quite difficult to really enjoy the lead-up to a race. However, this time I made a concerted effort to take in the spectacle of the event, the strange new city, the Expo, Elite runners, television cameras and supporters.

It was actually calming and helped my journey to the start-line, when I opened my eyes up to what was going on around me, and not just inside my exclusive ‘bubble’.

I found the race itself fun too, knowing the whole time that I was achieving something very difficult, and that I was strong and healthy.

How did the race go?

In spite of all of the advice that was given (with good intentions) that I didn’t follow…. I not only met my goal debut time of 2hours 35mins for the 42.195kms, but SMASHED it with a final time of

2 hours 32 minutes and 08 seconds!

I am very much aware that this is my only experience with the distance, and that my next 1, 2 or 50 runs could potentially be horribly worse, but I think by setting realistic goals of myself and using passion and dedication to drive my prep, the once seemingly impossible task of running a marathon became a reality.

I hope many of you experience this feeling in some capacity, be it finishing a 5km walk, or doing anything better and stronger than you could yesterday.

We will always beat the version of us who never tries in the first place right?

 

Till next time.

Clay Dawson

Marathoner….and proud of it.

(Also a proud InTraining Athlete)

Yay! Let's all go to InTraining!

PART II - The Finale: Which animals have the potential to chew your face like a delicious pie!

We’re all too familiar with that special yearly ritual of flocking to the cinema to watch the latest Hollywood imagining of what disaster will befoul our puny existence, or which zombies, or dinosaurs, or animal will easily cheese grate your face in an instant with barely a twitch of a muscle!

 Turns out, if you can believe ‘part 1’ of this article….that we might not be quite as pathetic a species as Spielberg or Michael Bay would have us believe. That, or in the very least we are occasionally capable enough to pull a ‘David vs. Goliath moment’ and fail-upward!

After all, we ARE the species that did manage to invent the lazy-Susan and the Ipad right?!

Still it is hard to argue our place at the top of a food chain that includes Great-White Sharks and those spiders that lay little eggs in your ears. So with this quandary already as fresh as spider larvae in your mind I’m here to provide some closure to the question of; ‘Which animals could you outrun over a prolonged distance?

Last blog saw us outrunning the collective might of the feline and reptile kingdoms, this issue we face the big players; Insect, Canine, Mammal and Birds!

To them I say…Bring…it…on!!!

Insect:

Maximum speed: Obviously (to give us a sporting chance) I’ve had to discount flying insects under the guise

of ‘wings’ being irrelevant to endurance leg speed, so for all those naysayers this is a foot-race and a footrace only! (after all we aren’t allowed the addition of cars or jetpacks are we?).

With this in mind, the world's fastest running insect is the Australian tiger beetle (Cicindela hudsoni). They have been known to run 9km/h (5½ mph), which is obviously pretty paltry AND much like the feline and reptile examples mentioned in the previous article the endurance capabilities of this species are limited at best.

The American cockroach (Periplaneta Americana) is another contender, and with it’s extremely high rating on the ‘ickyometer’ it is not altogether worth discounting.

Endurance/Marathon time:  Due largely to the size differences

between insects and humans, the movement capabilities are not parallel. For example, a cockroach can move at a staggering 75cm per second, however in comparison to its size this only translates to 3.22km/h (2mph). This number becomes even more insignificant when you consider an average human will move at speeds similar to those jet-cars on the salt flats when in the vicinity of a common household cockroach.

Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances:  In spite of their limited endurance capabilities the Tiger Beetle does have the advantage of possessing oversized mandibles (jaws), they’re carnivorous and they will happily spit their acidic digestive fluid onto their prey to aid in turning it to mush as it chews it down!

Luckily enough for us they are only 10mm long, and will generally only pick fights with animals smaller than them. So even though (relative to body size) the Tiger Beetle can move almost as much as 9 times faster than

Usain Bolt, they’re tiny and don’t really possess the inclination to chase down, vomit on and eat any human anytime soon.

Plus, Woody Allen voiced an ant in the animated Dreamworks film ‘Antz’….that should be reason enough to push them a bit higher on the ‘puny-ometer’.  

In short, instead of running away from a pursuing insect, upend a cup over it and wait until a commercial break to relocate it outside.

Canine:

Maximum speed: Bang! I know what you’re thinking here ‘Speedy dogs clearly equals Greyhounds’. To

which I say two things;

1)      Perhaps you have a gambling problem…you should see to that, and

2)      Like many of the previous examples, they are speedy (74 km/h or 46 mph) indeed, however this speed dramatically decreases in relation to endurance. They’re bred for speed, and for old men in cardigans to bet money on.

More importantly the canine kingdom has the major player of the Alaskan Husky. These super-marathoners can traverse large distances at a considerable pace, 24km p/hr (15mph) for distances easily equivalent to a marathon!

Endurance/Marathon time:  Put bluntly, Alaskan sled dogs would OWN any of us mere mortals over long distances, the science is simple.

Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances:  Perhaps the only saving grace would come for humans if any pursuit were to occur in a hot-climate, where we (as a species) are generally more capable than our furry overheated opponents. This advantage would also be maximised easily with the addition of a carefully manipulated squeaky toy.

In short…unless we’re in the desert...and particularly in cold climates ‘The Canines’ have us on this one….think about that the next time you scold Fido for climbing up onto the couch.

Beagles and Chihauhau’s excluded.

Mammals:

Mammals have the distinct evolutional (or ‘design’ if you’re ‘that way’ inclined) advantage of being mostly carnivorous and with inbuilt cooling via their ability to sweat. Although we humans have these capabilities,

plus those of ‘good fashion sense’ and ‘the ability to create popular dance’, in the stampede of life, we would be absolutely desecrated by our ‘species-mates’.

Maximum speed: There are almost too many to mention, amongst  Racehorses, Pronghorns, Springboks, Wildebeasts, Kangaroos, Elephants and Gazelles, and although some of these fit neatly into species subgenres such as ‘marsupial’ or ‘equine’…the matter remains, they’d be scraping you off foot, hoof or cloven toes in no time!

Endurance/Marathon time:  Put simply the main ‘mammally’ players I want to discuss are Camels, who can sustain speeds of 40km p/hr (25mph) for extended distances, as well as the Pronghorn (American Antelope) who can roll across a marathon at a pace over 48km p/hr (30mph)!

Both are widely acknowledged as ‘major players’ in the endurance running inter-species world cup, which (like Quidditch) is fictitious and only really supported by thick rimmed glasses wearing nerds.

Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances:  It is unlikely that racing stripes, nike-shoes, Lance Armstrong ‘Protein Shakes’, sweat wicking compression tights or any other performance aides would help in the race for survival.

The best you could hope for is a saddle for the camel or an ‘act of god’.

Birds:

Maximum speed: At the risk of sounding like an ‘early learning picture novel’, Birds have wings.

Now, before you assume that I’ve dumbed things down substantially since the last specie analysis, the reason I draw attention to this is because I am deliberately discounting the capacity of birds to fly. This is a foot-race pure and simple, and I’d like to think in a running race for survival, the renown personal ethics of birds in general would see them refrain from using this very obvious genetic advantage.

Except for Magpies, but everyone knows they’re mostly a**holes anyway!

If cartoons have taught us anything the aptly named Roadrunner is quite slick when put to the test (reaching a reported top speed of 35km p/h (22mph) over short distances), as is the Emu (which boasts a speed of almost 50km p/h (31mph) when surrounded by scientists with clipboards and stop watches.  The completely scary Australian Cassowary can run at similar species, with the added advantage of being completely terrifying and quite aggressively dangerous to humans also!

However, all three of these birds pale in comparison when placed next to the ostrich, which thumbs its nose at them with a top speed of 80km p/hr (50mph).

Endurance/Marathon time:  In addition to being, really, really, ridiculously fast over short distances, the Ostrich can managed to hold a steady pace of 48km p/hr  (30mph) over longer distances too.

Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances:  It is worth noting that (like the Cassowary) the Ostrich has very large talons that are capable of all manner of injury to human. With this in mind it is recommended that an appropriate course of action when confronted with an Ostrich attack is to wrestle it to the ground and chop at it’s neck until it loses consciousness….or the option I’d much prefer; that being, to immediately lie down and ‘play dead’. The latter being reportedly quite handy at ‘minimising the potential of excruciating death or dismemberment’…

…which is a good outcome for all concerned.

* At the time of writing this article I am waiting for the World Anti Doping Organisation to give the all clear to the Ostrich after some hostility collecting an ‘A’ and ‘B’ sample.

Final Summation:

Gosh darn it! So after it all, we are NOT the kings of endurance running on this planet! It seems that in terms of my elementary dream of being pursued and killed by a tiger, in actual fact It would more likely be a disgruntled Antelope goring me to death, or a viciously revenge besotted Camel, or (even more likely) a stray Ostrich with a carnivorous streak!

As for you, the best bit of advice I can give you, if on safari or caught in an unexpected battle is to politely decline the offer and return to the safety of the tourist bus. Take some photos once you’re safely inside.

But of course I could be wrong, and with current advancements in human capabilities we may even be ready for a real challenge rematch in 10 or 20 million years of evolution?

Until then, stay hydrated, be nice to your running buddies, and

Happy Running friends!

Clay