Fatty VS. The Zombie…..a (somewhat) typical runner’s tale…

Alright, I should preface this article with the acknowledgement that it (in part at least) was inspired somewhat by the return of ‘The Walking Dead’…the show about hoards of meandering flesh-eating zombies seems much more important than a story I’ve honestly told too many times to feign interest.  

The ‘Regular’ version (pre-apocalyptic if you will): 

It’s the story I’ve been asked about plenty of times, particularly at parties and social gatherings when I’m asked, “So what made you begin to run?”

Now, at this juncture I do not want to sound ungrateful or too toffee-nosed to acknowledge my roots, but I always have to draw breath at this point for the simple reason that I don’t think my story is all that unique OR inspiring….to rectify this I shall ‘creatively tweak’ a few facts….but for the time being;

I began running to lose weight.

Around the time that I found myself a newly graduated, mid-twenties, teacher I was sitting at home (on holidays) when an article in the Courier Mail (Newspaper) was brought to my attention. It read that a local university student was running fitness tests for ‘obese’ men in order to help her achieve a doctorate in something ground-breaking and medically important (perhaps pointing and laughing at fat, jiggly men on treadmills?). The reward for signing up, was a complete fitness and physiological printout, which sounded like a lark to me.

Now, at this point I had never worried about my weight. I never considered myself small, slender or muscular in any capacity, but I would NEVER have thought myself OBESE!

How wrong could I be?!!!

When I weighed in for the test I tipped the scales at an impressive 120kgs (I’m about 179cm in height). I was accepted into the program.  

Now it doesn’t take a scientist with a degree in ‘watching fatties jog’ to realise that the results that came back were shocking to say the least, and after a few days of telling myself that I was cursed with a slow metabolism, an addiction to Slurpees and Fast Food, and a ‘husky’ build that could never be slimmed down, I decided to do something for the first time. 

I used the tiny gymnasium in the complex where I lived. Actually I use the word ‘gymnasium’ loosely, the small room was filled with antiquated relics from the birth of the concept of fitness, but I tried anyway.  I changed how I ate, tried to eat healthier. I rewarded myself with smart snacks when I worked really hard! When the exercise bike literally broke, I began to jog…..very slowly around the block. Soon I was running every day, with no motivation other than the joy of it.

I didn’t expect or think things would change….but BAM! Over the course of a year or so I lost weight…..50kgs of it! 

Fast forward a few years (and a completely influential year living in Campbell River, Canada) and I’m now running, faster. I’m racing and meeting elite runners, who once seemed like another species of human!

I guess I try to always think of those early days when I tell this story…and I guess even for the times when I tell it without the gumption and ‘life-coach’ motivation it deserves, I hope someone finds inspiration.

I like to think, with the inclusion of zombies this may be even more possible.

Continue reading….if you dare.

The ‘Zombified’ version (post-apocalyptic if you will): 

It’s the story I used to be asked about plenty of times, particularly at parties and social gatherings, but they don’t seem to happen much since the infection began. Very occasionally now-a-days, and the punch is generally terrible.

 “So what made you begin to run?”

Now, at this juncture I do not want to sound romantic or idealistic but I didn't begin running to escape the living carcasses that now wanted to chew off my arms and legs. 

 I began running to lose weight.

I was very fortunate during those early days to spend a good deal of time seeking refuge in a university science lab. To while away the hours and to take our minds off the incessant scratching on the windows and doors, one of the remaining scientists and I ran fitness assessments on each other. In retrospect we should have spent the time researching and experimenting to discover a cure for the infection….but retrospect is pretty useless when you’re running for your life away from a burning and over-run laboratory. 

I wasn't completely devoid of ideas during those early days though…The fitness tests had told me that my ample torso weighed in at 120kgs of zombie-bait, with the rapidly decreasing human population, this would soon pose a problem. 

The only natural solution was to only harvest healthy food from dumpster and abandoned houses, and to travel on foot. Let’s be honest, zombies aren't known for much more than shuffling like pensioners, but I soon began to run faster and faster as I became more and more fitter. Those gargling freaks never stood a chance! 

Since those days I have traveled to Canada to seek refuge (to various degrees of success) and my journey now sees me weighing under 70kgs, happily in a relationship (with a living human!).

I don’t know where my story will end, or how long I will survive in this crazy world. I’m not even sure if anyone will read this…but if you do, please remember….limit your intake of sugary soft-drinks, conserve bullets and weaponry wherever possible, and always try to enjoy the journey!

Till next time,

Happy running!