Running is hard.
Okay, in terms of the toughest adversities in life faced by
people, perhaps it isn’t that tough. But at the time running can be really,
really, really difficult.
Because of this you may find yourself in a situation before,
during or after a race that you just want to quit and become a professional hot-dog
eater or championship fisher. To make your exit from the sport or to simply buy
you some time you’ll probably need to dip into my specially designed ‘excuses’
to explain an underwhelming performance.
And….you’re welcome….by the way.
THE TOP 10 EXCUSES YOU CAN USE TO ESCAPE EXERCISE/RUNNING!
1) The Weather! – The golden excuse used by any
athlete. Perhaps that PB was just out of reach because of that pesky headwind?
Maybe the sweltering heat or pelting hail prevented you from beating your arch
nemesis this time?
WHY IT WORKS: Unless you’re competing in a complete
vacuum or in the most optimum conditions for the entire duration of the
event/workout you are going to be affected in some way by the cruel harpy that
is Mother Nature! Everyone knows this; we’ve all had shocking runs in the
elements….makes sense.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: It is a rare occasion
when a freak anomaly weather condition appears and is so isolated that it
follows and affects only one person. It’s even rarer that a 180 degree wind
change will time itself perfectly for each twist and turn of a run course.
It’s part of why we run, for the challenge
and to experience the fresh air and physical challenges (in the form of
terrain, weather, etc.) that only outside running can provide!
And let’s be honest, it undermines your own
training, experience and mental and physical strength when it can be thrown off
the rails by a simple change in the weather right?
Sorry! Unless it is a particularly amazing
weather event…..everyone will know you’re full of it.
2) “I’m coming off an injury” – Ah yes, as sure as
the tides no runner has ever stood at a start line and bragged of feeling
‘wonderful’ and having a ‘perfect lead-up’. Whether it’s a gentlemanly
agreement to be humble, or a more sinister foxing of the competition I won’t
answer here. Regardless I’d run out of fingers and toes a thousand times over
if I had to recall how many times a runner has complained of a pesky injury
leading into even the most modest of fun-runs.
WHY IT WORKS: Running is painful and hurts
occasionally. The generally agreed upon (and generously vague) statistic is
that 60-80% of runners of ALL calibres and ALL workloads will injure themselves
at one point during the year. With this in mind at least 60% of the people on
that start-line rubbing their calves or complaining about plantar’s are telling
the truth!
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: Besides the remaining
40% statistically you have to ask yourself…who would enter a race injured
anyway? With this in mind the proportion of liars on the start line begins to
rise. To add insult to injury when the race does eventually start and the pack
takes off at breakneck speed very quickly the lie unravels.
3) Time Poor – Whether this in regards to the ‘too
busy to train’ or simply ‘too stressed’ from getting to the start line to
dedicate mentally to the event is another decent excuse as it shows an
unselfish commitment to other aspects of life. Who doesn’t envy the man or
woman who gives willingly to their family, or friends, or for the betterment of
their career, or charities?
WHY IT WORKS: Because whether we like it or
not running is not the be-all and end-all of life. If a crippling injury
strikes you, or you simply lose the inclination to lace up, the world will
indeed carry on. You can and will move on, and other runners will also move
forward in their careers. A scary thought huh?
We’re also human so sometimes time can and
does get in the way.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: Runners are more than
often guilty of OVER training as it is. A forced distraction is sometimes a
blessing for the runner pulling 170km weeks to prepare for a charity 5km fun
run. In addition to this the blessing of our sport is that we CAN train at
quite literally ANY time of the day and practically ANYWHERE. Where the passion
is willing a chance for a run of any capacity is available. We’re all busy, and
the majority of us find a way.
Is that cold-blooded? Perhaps…..but it’s
mostly true.
4) Missed the Start – Maybe this is because you
couldn’t find a car park, the traffic was horrible, the Port-a-loos were full,
and you were trapped behind a troupe of one legged, walkers pushing dual baby
strollers in rows of 5.
You somehow managed to give yourself a handicap from
the get go….why not call it quits, slow the pace and aim for better next time?
WHY IT WORKS: Because every race is
different, every day of traffic cannot be the same, and generally we runners
underestimate our speed when choosing our place in the queue at the start line,
we’ve all been caught behind the eight ball before our race has even begun.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: Occasionally we bounce
back harder and faster! I remember one particular race when the lines for the
toilets seemed longer than the actual length of the 10 kilometre race, so I
missed my chance. Around the entire course I summoned superhuman willpower and
lo and behold I managed not only to disgrace myself but to finish respectably
close to my PB!
This excuse also fails to garner too much
sympathy also because it can almost entirely be blamed on your inability to
time manage your trip to on race day.
5) Dodgy Curry – Nutrition and hydration are
crucial components in the propulsion of anything in a forward motion. Try to
power your car with good will and gypsy magic if you disagree. Our bodies are
especially good examples of this, particularly when you get towards the longer
endurance events. Without the correct diet a runner can find themselves in a
potentially life threatening scenario that is completely their own doing.
* It goes without saying that explosive diarrhoea
and projective vomiting are also generally regarded as counter-productive to a
successful race.
WHY IT WORKS: There is a healthy selection
of people that would prefer repeated blunt head trauma whilst in a locked
theatre full of lawyers and spiders whilst watching Mariah Carey’s Glitter on
repeat to a single bout of food poisoning, so you will always have this excuse
met with genuine sympathy.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: It’s an excuse you can
only use once before raising serious suspicion that you’re a liar or that you
have an exclusive case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome that exists exclusively on
weekends. In both cases any chance of an invitation to a post-race Yum Cha
brunch will be flushed away forever….pardon the pun.
6) Couldn’t Get a Drink on Course! – Oh no! The
danger of running in a pack towards a designated drink station is that an
intricate ballet of synchronised cup grabbing can sometimes leave you grasping
at the empty space left by the runner in front! Curses!
WHY IT WORKS: Sometimes it’s very difficult
to get a cup of water or electrolyte, and if this happens to occur at the later
portions of a race, or when your energy levels are dangerously dipping it can
very feasibly affect your race negatively. It’s a tragedy of Shakespearean
proportions, without the iambic pentameter and ridiculous tight pants.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: Generally there is
always a chance to stop, turn and return to a drink station, and as far as I’ve
experienced there is not a one-chance-only policy when it comes to volunteered
drink stations.
Sometimes also the volunteers are kind
enough to hold the water cups out for you, simply locking eyes with them and
being co-ordinated enough generally will result in some of that sweet, sweet
H2O, and in the rare occasion that the volunteer and you miss each other, race
directors are more often than not kind enough to put many more drink opportunities
than required.
7) I was pacing a buddy! – Much like the Kenyan
marathon squad or a Tour De France team will work together to help a team
member complete their goal; sometimes a friend will lean on you in their time of
need, asking “Can you pace me at XX pace?”
Which is grand…
...unless of course you are too
slow, or (even worse) THEY are too slow.
WHY IT WORKS: This excuse is AWESOME
because it shows you are caring, sensitive and dedicated to your mates and the
running community as a whole! In terms of martyrs you’re right up there with
Jesus and the war veterans! Pacing a buddy to help them reach their goals can
be one of the most rewarding things you can do in the sport and, by shifting
the focus, it takes the pressure of your own performance.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: As an excuse used
frequently, the fine line between two runners who compete and push each other
and two runners who use each other as a crutch to progressively slow and bounce
excuses off can be a dangerous one to skirt. A ‘gentlemanly agreement’ to help
until a designated distance/pace/position can be a handy way to allow you to
kick on, or hold strong until the end for your own glory also. Win-win!
It also falls down because in terms of the
personal benefits you can get from battling your own demons solo and conquering
all are robbed of you. Would you have hit that pb without Harry there? Perhaps?
Probably? Is the uncertainty killing you yet?
8 8) Cramp! Muscle Pull! Stitch! Curses! – The
Achilles heel of most runners (actual Achilles
WHY IT WORKS: I actually was racing with a
lovely guy recently in second and third place when we made a mid-race verbal
agreement to help each other reel in the race leader. He would power up the
uphill sections (I would just have to focus on holding my form and staying with
him) and in turn I would do likewise for the down hills!
Unfortunately on my
second push downhill, I noticed my friend had dropped off rather dramatically!
I managed to finish second (never caught that leader, but came oh-so-close!)
and when I saw him after the race he told me he had cramped all the way down
his left side. This guy was an established runner, and I know he was telling
the truth (or a future Oscar winner).
So, long story short, this DOES happen!
Definitely a plausible excuse to use I’d say!
WHY IT DOESN’T WORK: Everyone will judge
you, because very often (but not always I acknowledge) the cruel irony is that
minutes after you ease up or stop you begin to immediately recover almost
fully. The condition that could bring you to tears and have even the most non-religious making promises with God for pain relief can disappear as quickly
as a magician at a restaurant when the bill comes. Some people who pushed
through their own pain barriers will be silently sceptical of you claiming you
‘Could have done better’ whilst skipping around post-race like a schoolgirl
rope jumper.
Also it opens up a doorway for an awkward
rubbing of sweaty muscles from any of your running buddies who manage to fancy
themselves a physio….which is fine if they look like a calendar model…..but
will they put their hands up first?
9) New Shoes Blues – It seems that with all of the
advancements in running shoe technology there are still shortcomings that
remain. Sure, they can make your feet move in directions, stop you in others,
vent air directly in, wick sweat away, show you where the TV. remote has been
left, and get you off work early on a Friday afternoon, but they still can
apparently give you
WHY IT WORKS: If you have the new shoes, it makes sense
that there will be a teething time period, particularly if they’re an
unfamiliar model or make. We’ve all seen ultra-runners feet and the condition
that makes Frostbitten Himalayan climbers ask; “Dude! What’s wrong with YOUR feet?!”
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: Everyone will want to
share and compare. If you can’t pony up a decent blood blister that will turn
stomachs or turn stomachs, the gig will be up for you! Any injury will
immediately be scoffed at especially if everyone else in the group can
immediately show something similar or worse.
10) Motivation! – Sometimes the thought of lacing up
can have all of us rolling our eyes like a teenager being berated by a
step-parent. Running is hard; it’s sometimes physically and emotionally
draining and it ‘aint a fairy floss adventure in a bubble filled jumping
castle!
WHY IT WORKS: The common understanding
amongst runners is that it can be addictive and the constant drive for success
or improvement can sometimes take the joy out of the sport completely. Instead
of escapism, it becomes another burden in our lives!
With this in mind we tend to encourage
anyone in our community who gets back to running for the joy of the sport and
the benefit of our community! Telling runners that you’re ‘taking it easy
today’ will more often than not have you greeted with more high fives than
criticisms.
WHERE IT FALLS DOWN: If you live your
running career as a recreational runner (which is fine) only to suddenly become
spontaneously super-competitive it can sometimes alienate you.
Also, it’s the conquering of those moments
of doubt or fear, or lack of energy that can be the most enriching, energising
and rewarding result of pushing on.
So in short, if you find yourself looking for excuses or you
know in your heart that the line you’re feeding that friend would be shovelled
up at the Horse Races perhaps try to remember who you’re selling short in the
process.
It’s true that you will sometimes fall short of
expectations, but as adaptable (generally) tantrum free adults we learn from
mistakes, shift focus and are drawn inexplicably towards positivity.
You run
because you’re a runner, not a fiction writer! Leave that to J.k. Rowling.
Till next time!
Enjoy your fresh air, and also your running!
Clay Dawson
Intraining Sponsored Athlete and destroyer of feeble excuses!
