We’re all too familiar with that special yearly ritual of
flocking to the cinema to watch the latest Hollywood imagining of what disaster
will befoul our puny existence, or which zombies, or dinosaurs, or animal will
easily cheese grate your face in an instant with barely a twitch of a muscle!
After all, we ARE the species that did manage to invent the
lazy-Susan and the Ipad right?!
Still it is hard to argue our place at the top of a food
chain that includes Great-White Sharks and those spiders that lay little eggs
in your ears. So with this quandary already as fresh as spider larvae in
your mind I’m here to provide some closure to the question of; ‘Which animals
could you outrun over a prolonged distance?
Last blog saw us outrunning the collective might of the
feline and reptile kingdoms, this issue we face the big players; Insect,
Canine, Mammal and Birds!
To them I say…Bring…it…on!!!
Insect:
Maximum speed: Obviously (to give us a sporting
chance) I’ve had to discount flying insects under the guise
of ‘wings’ being
irrelevant to endurance leg speed, so for all those naysayers this is a
foot-race and a footrace only! (after all we aren’t allowed the addition of cars
or jetpacks are we?).
With this in mind, the world's fastest running insect is the
Australian tiger beetle (Cicindela hudsoni). They have been known to run 9km/h
(5½ mph), which is obviously pretty paltry AND much like the feline and reptile
examples mentioned in the previous article the endurance capabilities of this
species are limited at best.
The American cockroach (Periplaneta Americana) is another
contender, and with it’s extremely high rating on the ‘ickyometer’ it is not
altogether worth discounting.
Endurance/Marathon time: Due largely to the size differences
Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances: In spite of their limited endurance
capabilities the Tiger Beetle does have the advantage of possessing oversized
mandibles (jaws), they’re carnivorous and they will happily spit their acidic
digestive fluid onto their prey to aid in turning it to mush as it chews it
down!
Luckily enough for us they are only 10mm long, and will
generally only pick fights with animals smaller than them. So even though
(relative to body size) the Tiger Beetle can move almost as much as 9 times
faster than
Plus, Woody Allen voiced an ant in the animated Dreamworks
film ‘Antz’….that should be reason enough to push them a bit higher on the ‘puny-ometer’.
In short, instead of running away from a pursuing insect,
upend a cup over it and wait until a commercial break to relocate it outside.
Canine:
Maximum speed: Bang! I know what you’re thinking here
‘Speedy dogs clearly equals Greyhounds’. To
1)
Perhaps you have a gambling problem…you should
see to that, and
2)
Like many of the previous examples, they are
speedy (74 km/h or 46 mph) indeed, however this speed dramatically decreases in
relation to endurance. They’re bred for speed, and for old men in cardigans to bet
money on.
More importantly the canine kingdom has the major player of
the Alaskan Husky. These super-marathoners can traverse large distances at a
considerable pace, 24km p/hr (15mph) for distances easily equivalent to a
marathon!
Endurance/Marathon time: Put bluntly, Alaskan sled dogs would OWN any
of us mere mortals over long distances, the science is simple.
Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances: Perhaps the only saving grace would come for
humans if any pursuit were to occur in a hot-climate, where we (as a species)
are generally more capable than our furry overheated opponents. This advantage
would also be maximised easily with the addition of a carefully manipulated
squeaky toy.
In short…unless we’re in the desert...and particularly in
cold climates ‘The Canines’ have us on this one….think about that the next time
you scold Fido for climbing up onto the couch.
Beagles and Chihauhau’s excluded.
Mammals:
Mammals have the distinct evolutional (or ‘design’ if you’re
‘that way’ inclined) advantage of being mostly carnivorous and with inbuilt
cooling via their ability to sweat. Although we humans have these capabilities,
Maximum speed: There are almost too many to mention,
amongst Racehorses, Pronghorns,
Springboks, Wildebeasts, Kangaroos, Elephants and Gazelles, and although some
of these fit neatly into species subgenres such as ‘marsupial’ or ‘equine’…the
matter remains, they’d be scraping you off foot, hoof or cloven toes in no
time!
Endurance/Marathon time: Put simply the main ‘mammally’ players I want
to discuss are Camels, who can sustain speeds of 40km p/hr (25mph) for extended
distances, as well as the Pronghorn (American Antelope) who can roll across a
marathon at a pace over 48km p/hr (30mph)!
Both are widely acknowledged as ‘major players’ in the
endurance running inter-species world cup, which (like Quidditch) is fictitious
and only really supported by thick rimmed glasses wearing nerds.
Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances: It is unlikely that
racing stripes, nike-shoes, Lance Armstrong ‘Protein Shakes’, sweat wicking
compression tights or any other performance aides would help in the race for
survival.
The best you could hope for is a saddle for the camel or an ‘act
of god’.
Birds:
Maximum speed: At the risk of sounding like an ‘early
learning picture novel’, Birds have wings.
Now, before you assume that I’ve dumbed things down
substantially since the last specie analysis, the reason I draw attention to
this is because I am deliberately discounting the capacity of birds to fly.
This is a foot-race pure and simple, and I’d like to think in a running race
for survival, the renown personal ethics of birds in general would see them
refrain from using this very obvious genetic advantage.
Except for Magpies, but everyone knows they’re mostly
a**holes anyway!
If cartoons have taught us anything the aptly named Roadrunner
is quite slick when put to the test (reaching a reported top speed of 35km p/h
(22mph) over short distances), as is the Emu (which boasts a speed of almost
50km p/h (31mph) when surrounded by scientists with clipboards and stop
watches. The completely scary Australian
Cassowary can run at similar species, with the added advantage of being
completely terrifying and quite aggressively dangerous to humans also!
However, all three of these birds pale in comparison when
placed next to the ostrich, which thumbs its nose at them with a top speed of
80km p/hr (50mph).
Endurance/Marathon time: In addition to being, really, really,
ridiculously fast over short distances, the Ostrich can managed to hold a
steady pace of 48km p/hr (30mph) over
longer distances too.
Contributing factors/Extenuating Circumstances: It is worth noting that (like the Cassowary) the Ostrich has
very large talons that are capable of all manner of injury to human. With this
in mind it is recommended that an appropriate course of action when confronted
with an Ostrich attack is to wrestle it to the ground and chop at it’s neck until
it loses consciousness….or the option I’d much prefer; that being, to
immediately lie down and ‘play dead’. The latter being reportedly quite handy
at ‘minimising the potential of excruciating death or dismemberment’…
…which is a good outcome for all concerned.
* At the time of writing this article I am waiting for the
World Anti Doping Organisation to give the all clear to the Ostrich after some
hostility collecting an ‘A’ and ‘B’ sample.
Final Summation:
Gosh darn it! So after it all, we are NOT the kings of
endurance running on this planet! It seems that in terms of my elementary dream
of being pursued and killed by a tiger, in actual fact It would more likely be
a disgruntled Antelope goring me to death, or a viciously revenge besotted
Camel, or (even more likely) a stray Ostrich with a carnivorous streak!
As for you, the best bit of advice I can give you, if on
safari or caught in an unexpected battle is to politely decline the offer and
return to the safety of the tourist bus. Take some photos once you’re safely
inside.
But of course I could be wrong, and with current
advancements in human capabilities we may even be ready for a real challenge
rematch in 10 or 20 million years of evolution?
Until then, stay hydrated, be nice to your running buddies,
and
Happy Running friends!
Clay
